


The Mess He Made (old and poorly written)

by HappyHypocrite



Category: Dear Evan Hansen
Genre: Alive!Connor, Alternate Universe, Anxiety Attacks, Artist!Evan, Crying, Cute boys, Dead Body, Depressed!Evan, Depressed!Everyone else, Emotional Roller Coaster, F/F, Fluff, Ghost!Connor, Happiness because my children need it, Happy Ending, Implied Canon Suicide, M/M, Not Exactly Time Travel but Yeah, Panic Attacks, Self hatred/disgust, Slow Burn, Social Anxiety!Evan, Tree Bros, Universe Alterations, Vague Mentions of Past Self-Harm, convan, temporary memory loss
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-07
Updated: 2018-09-18
Packaged: 2019-06-06 15:39:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 9,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15197942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HappyHypocrite/pseuds/HappyHypocrite
Summary: Connor is gone, Evan must learn to cope on his own.. Or maybe he won’t have to.





	1. Static

A warm hand pressed against his forearm. He flinched, his muscles seized, fingers tightened around the arm of the leather chair.

“How are you feeling, Evan?”

A voice spoke softly, calming, gentle.

A spike of fear shot through his veins. He couldn’t disappoint, he was fine, he was okay. He had to be.  
His head disagreed. He begged for an answer to the question, “How do I feel?” 

He was met with static.  
Static and emptiness. It felt as if a thousand weights had been tethered to his every muscle.  
He could barely will himself to move.  
The heaviest weight sat on his tongue. Speaking felt like such a chore.  
Every movement, every word, drained him.

“I—”  
he croaked, cringing at the hollow sound of his voice.

“I feel,”  
he truly was clueless in this situation, yet another llump of coal to fuel the growing hopelessness of it all.

“I feel, worse.” 

 

The woman’s face was taught with concern.  
“In what way do you feel worse, Evan?”

He focused on her eyes, she looked tired, she probably saw a million freaks just like him every day.

“Worse than,” he breathed deeply, 

it seemed everything he’d grown to accept about himself felt unfamiliar all over again.

 

“Worse then when I jumped.”

The woman, his therapist, Dr.Sherman,  
her face twisted into a look of shock. Only for a second, before returning to a gentle smile.  
A facade.

Evan couldn’t help but feel disgusted with himself. One person removed from his life, and he was left an empty, static, mess.  
Forcing other people, this tired woman, to pick up his pieces.

 

Later that day, a concerned mother would look Evan in the eye and ask,  
“How was the appointment?”  
He would give her the smallest smile, a simple upward turn of lips and speak,  
with a weight heavier that solid gold,

“Better.”

The deep worry lines around her eyes would fade, ever so slightly, she would say, with a little more hope in her heart,

“You’re doing so well, honey.”

And he would lose himself a little bit more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading.   
> Feel free to tell me what you think.


	2. The Pieces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one’s a little different,  
> It’s all in a certain confused dead boy’s perspective.

It could see. Yet it couldn’t look.  
It could feel changes in the breeze, yet somehow, couldn’t feel the weight of its arms. It couldn’t feel it’s body at all.

It moved, as if to walk, instead it drifted along with the wind.

There were no thoughts, no confusion, as if things had always been this way.  
As far as it was concerned, they had. 

It could see an open expanse of colour and movement.

It saw a figure, lying completely still in the middle of the expanse. It was pale, and hollow.

It was familiar.

 

The figure faded to nothing, everything followed.

 

He found himself with another figure, a person, a woman. This one sat upright, this one was moving, her chest rose and fell in time with soft, barely audible sounds that echoed from her face. 

The other one hadn’t.

The woman, looked almost as empty as the non-moving one had.  
The non-moving one was paler, the non-moving one was male, he was familiar. 

The woman, held an object, it was familiar.  
She chuckled softly to herself, holding the object out in front of her.  
Her eyes were filling with water, it spilled over and fell down her face.

A second woman came through a doorway in a wall. She was familiar.  
She was smaller, her face had less lines, she had water, tears dripping down her face as well.

She wiped them with her hand.

The older woman said,  
“He never liked this sweater,”  
She smiled softly, more tears falling from her eyes.  
“He said it didn’t really for him right, and,”  
she choked on her words, the water was in her throat as well.  
“and, it itched too much.”  
Her words were familiar, he felt as if he heard them before.

The bigger woman spoke,  
“I think I’ll keep it”  
She folded the object, the sweater, she had called it.

The smaller, younger one nodded her head.  
“You should keep it.”  
She smiled softly.

They wrapped each other in their arms.  
He felt something different, he felt a weight in the centre of himself.

He had no centre, he was a spirit, he was nothing.

 

He felt the need to be something.

 

The figures faded to nothing, everything followed.

There was a man. He knew the man.  
His face held more lines, wrinkles, than the others.  
He stared at an object in his hand. Some sort of bag.  
The mans eyebrows pulled closer together, his face twisting with a hateful expression. That too felt familiar.

The man reached into the bag to reveal a second object.  
He fit the object over his hand.  
The object had a small tag stuck to it.

The mans face twisted even more.  
“I gave you everything,”  
The man grumbled.  
“You just had to throw it away.”

He spat bitterly.

He couldn’t help but feel targeted, as if these words were meant for him.

The man shoved the object, the glove back in its bag.  
“Leaving all these broken pieces behind you.”

He decided he didn’t like this man, that was familiar too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading.  
> Feel free to tell me what you think.


	3. A Sleepless Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: I wrote this while I was on Benadryl, (aka, slipping into a coma)

An ugly sob wracked Evan’s body sending him curling in on himself into an even tighter ball.

Tears flooded down his face, soaking the mattress and dampening the pillow he clutched to his chest.

He muttered words of nonsense into the darkness of his room.  
“Pathetic,”  
His muscles tightened further.  
“Millions lose people every day and you lose someone who barely cared about you,”  
He sobbed  
“and you just—“  
His voice cracked, he took a few shaky breaths.  
“Pathetic.”  
He repeated,  
“Pathetic.”

He cried until he felt too drained to move, exhaustion overtaking his thoughts, heavy eyelids falling shut into a restless sleep.

 

———

 

He felt a shift in his consciousness,  
this time, when the nothingness melted away, he was hit with a wave of confusion.

He was facing boy, that was certain, this boys face was wet with tears, the bedding around his head had been covered in water, leaving splotches of shadowed colour.

The boy shifted in his sleep,  
“No,”  
He mumbled.  
“NO”  
He cried urgently, thrashing his arms at nothing in his sleep.

 _He’s my age._ The spirit thought, despite not knowing what his age was, or how he was so sure ‘he’ was a he.

The boys face was achingly familiar.

“Connor.”  
The boy whimpered, eyes still pressed firmly shut, fresh tears tracking their way down his face in waves.

 _Connor_.  
That was him, the boy was talking about him.  
Who was this boy? How did he know more about Connor than he did himself?

He felt a the same weight in his centre as he had at the sight of the two females, only this weight was somehow heavier, almost crushing.

“Please, DON’T.”  
The boy exclaimed loudly, his face morphing into a look of fear.

Thats when the door to the room burst open.  
A woman whose face was stricken with worry, hurried in.

She moved to where the boy lay fidgeting in his sleep.  
“Evan, honey.”  
She spoke with a hushed urgency.  
She sat on the edge of the bed and helped the boy find a place in her arms.  
He sobbed loudly, clutching the woman, his mothers, waist.  
“Shh,” She whispered, “It was just a dream, you’re safe, you’re so strong, honey.” She spoke reassuringly, as if she knew the world would righten any wrongs in the life of this boy.

From the look of him, the boy was in a great amount of pain.

Connor felt something terrible settle in his stomach, an overwhelming guilt, but for what, he had no idea.

She ran a hand through his hair, “You’re doing so well.”

The boy was awake now, weeping softly in his mother’s grip.  
“I’m, sorry.” He croaked weakly.  
“I’m sorry.”

She smiled softly,  
“It’s okay, Ev, you didn’t do anything wrong, I love you, no matter what.”

The boy, Ev, he assumed, returned her smile, wiping tears from his eyes,  
“I love you too, mom.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading.  
> Feel free to tell me what you think.


	4. The Morning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’d like to thank everyone who’s left kudos so far, you make my heart happy. =)

Connor was still in the room with Ev when the sun rose above the horizon. It seemed he had no control over his appearances around different people.

 

There seemed to be the common theme wherever Connor was transported.

Looking back on recent events, the people he’d appeared to had all been in a state of distress. The older mans anger, the two crying women, the boy’s worried mother, and this broken young boy.

 

The only person he’d seen who didn’t have some sort of crisis occurring was the pale boy from Connor’s first memory. He looked so hollow, but Connor had no idea why the non-moving one had been so motionless, a hand draped delicately over his stomach, the other tucked into a pocket. His long hair spread in a halo around his head.

 

Each of the people from his memories had at least four, or possibly more, things in common. Their chests were all moving, rising and falling, they all moved their faces to show everyone else the difference in the emotions they were feeling, they were all speaking, and they all looked to be in a state of emotional pain.

 

The non-moving boy broke all four of these rules.

His chest was perfectly still, as was his face, and he didn’t speak.

Most notably, his face didn’t look pained in any way, in fact, it looked empty, completely and utterly absent of any emotion.

 

Connor wished he could see the non-moving boy, see if he’d moved since Connor had last seen him. Somehow, without being sure of anything, he felt certain the boy was still lying motionless.

 

 

The boy, Ev, yawned quietly and sat up in his bed. The room was a lot lighter than it was the night before, sunlight streaming between the curtains and through the glass panels in the outer wall.

 

Connor drifted toward the source of the light, there was a space where the window and the wall met, creating a small ledge. Several plants rested on its surface. Connor allowed his form to brush the leaves of a bamboo plant, and over the shoots of an aloe. He watched the bamboo leaves flutter as if taken hold of by a wind. There was also a tall cactus, it had a strange pattern snaking up its side, almost crack like, maybe Ev had been neglecting the plants recently.

 

Connor turned to see the boy. He had laid back down in his bed. As if his original plans to leave the room had changed.

 

Connor flitted over the curtains, they were light, wouldn’t be too hard to move.

He focused his consciousness on this single task. Pulling the curtains back and letting the sunlight stream into the small room.

 

He heard the soft sound of Ev groaning.

Connor felt a warmth spread through him. He moved over to where he lay, he used his ability to manipulate the air to ruffle the boy’s hair. Just because he could.

Ev sat up slowly, letting out another yawn and stretching his muscles with a few satisfying pops.

 

The boy stared at the newly opened curtains, blinking in confusion before shaking his head and standing up.

 

Ev was pale and his frame was thin, his skin looked soft and was dotted with freckles. He slept in a t-shirt and blue boxers. His hair was sticking up in odd directions from Connor’s tousling. Connor felt an urge to wrap this broken boy in a thick blanket and tell him everything would be okay.

He was awfully endearing.

 

When Ev ( _that still didn’t sound right, but it’s what the boy’s mother had called him_ ) pulled on a pair of khakis and left the room, Connor followed him.

 

Ev stood at the bottom of the stairs that led to the main floor, he looked from where he stood to where his mother bustled around in the kitchen.

She was dressed fully in work clothes, her phone was pressed between her ear and her shoulder, “Yes!” she exclaimed

“Yes, of course, no problem! Right away m’am.”

She finished packing a salad into a bag and slung it over her shoulder. She grabbed the phone from its position, ending the call.

 

She spotted Ev standing idly in the stairwell.

“Oh, Evan, honey, you’re awake, good”

Evan, _Ev was a nickname._ That would explain why the name didn’t sit right.

“I’m gonna be late today, there are leftovers in the fridge, I’ll leave some money on the counter if you want to order something for dinner.”

She rummaged through her wallet dropping two twenties onto the tabletop.

She jogged over and planted a kiss on his head.

“Don’t burn the house down, love you!”

She darted toward the front door.

“Bye,” Evan smiled, “Love you too.”

 

That small smile faded as his mother closed the door behind her. Evan let out a sigh before moving into the kitchen to find something for breakfast.

 

Connor gathered himself, imagining himself as more of a solid figure. It took a minute of motionlessly concentrating, but he felt a little more grounded, as if he could now tell where he stopped and where the air started.

 

He took a seat across from Evan at an old wooden table.

 

He watched silently as Evan ate, wondering what he should be doing, if he had a perpose here.

 

Once Evan was finished, he placed his dishes in the sink and walked off, Connor followed him until he realized the room Evan had gone into was a bathroom. Figuring Evan should be able to keep some boundaries in tact when it came to privacy, Connor decided it was best he find some other way to occupy himself.

 

He wandered back into the kitchen, looking down at the dirtied bowl and spoon in the sink. _Would Evan panic if he returned and the dishes were clean? Surely it couldn’t be that bad, right?_ Connor focused on moving an arm to lift the dishes, he found it surprisingly simple.

 

By the time Evan finished in the bathroom, his dishes were cleaned, dried, and put away neatly where Connor had watched Evan take them from.

 

Evan stared at the now empty sink, Connor wondered what he could be thinking. Hopefully not, ‘There’s a spirit in my house who decided to clean my dishes.’ or there was no hope for the boy’s sanity.

 

Evan blinked a few times, his expression unreadable, before shaking his head and heading back up too his room. Honestly, Connor had expected more of a reaction.

 

This was going to be a strange day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you for reading, and feel free to tell me what you think.


	5. Caring

Connor followed Evan into his room. He watched as Evan grabbed a laptop from a wooden desk, scattering a few papers, and sat on his bed, back pressed up against the headboard. He pulled the computer into his lap, opening it and tapping on its keyboard.

 

Connor drifted across the room and settled into the spot next to Evan.

 

Connor studied Evans features, his eyes, soft and blue, his skin was pale and flecked with freckles. Connor felt the warm feeling return, urging him to reach out and touch the face of the boy next to him, a completely irrational urge, but an urge nonetheless.

 

They sat in silence, Connors gaze drifting around the room, but never leaving Evan for too long.

 

It didn’t take long for Connor to notice the signs of anxiety that crossed Evans face. The lines of stress around his eyes, the way his lip pulled into his mouth as he typed, chewing it worriedly. His hands shook slightly. I glanced down at his feet, one of them was tapping against the mattress alarmingly fast. Shifting his gaze to the monitor, he was on some sort of communication site, the word “Skype” was written in a bubbly font in the top corner. It was safe to assume that was its name.

 

Evan was typing back and forth with someone with the screen name, “TheKoolestKid” who’s opinion he appeared to value immensely.

 

Connor couldn’t help but feel the need to comfort the boy,

for the first time since he recalled knowing consciousness, he tried to speak.

“You’re okay,” he murmured, “you’re doing fine.”

 

Evan jolted as if he’d been electrocuted. He gasped. His eyes widened, lower lip falling from between his teeth in shock.

He slammed the laptop closed, frantically looking around his room, eyes darting left and right, but there was nothing to see. Nowhere in sight was there a person who could’ve possibly belonged to the voice.

 

In Connors attempt to calm the boy, he made his problem infinitely worse.

 

Evans breathing became erratic, Connor could practically hear his heart beating out of his chest, his shaking had graduated from his hands to his entire body.

Beads of sweat clung to his hairline.

 

Evans mouth moved in a wordless motion before he found his voice,

“Connor.” He stated, his voice barely a whisper.

 

Connor didn’t answer, mortified at the reaction his last attempt had caused.

He wordlessly brushed a hesitant breeze across the boy’s cheek, an attempt to confirm suspicions of his presence, but not to scare the boy any more than he had.

 

Evans face tensed,

“Connor?” he questioned softly, sounding frail.

 

Connor didn’t speak, if he were anything like these humans, he probably wouldn’t have responded well to hearing a boy’s words in his ear. How could he have been so stupid?

 

He heard a sharp intake of breath, turning his head to see Evan’s face, his eyes were watering as he shook. Soon, tears flowed freely, Evan sobbing quietly.

 

Connor felt the weight of guilt pulling at him.

Pushing it aside, he instead concentrated on the feeling he felt earlier that morning, twice he had felt it since seeing this boy, twice he had felt light, felt overtaken by warmth, a happy, perfectly content feeling.

 

Acting purely on impulse,

heforced the feeling to leave him, sending it outwards with every ounce of strength he could muster.

He had no confidence this would have any affect whatsoever, all he could do was hope.

 

Evan gasped, a small sound, but Connor was listening for it. Evan’s eyes were pressed shut, he had pulled his knees up to his chest at some point.

 

Connor could see the muscles in his face relax, easing into a expression of calm. The tears didn’t cease in their trails, but a small, barely noticeable fragment of a smile embellished his face.

 

Connor felt relief spread through himself.

 

Looking back at that moment he would wonder why he felt the need to ease Evans concerns, to ensure the boy he barely knew felt calm and safe. He’d wonder why he was able to use that feeling, the one he’d felt was caused by the boy, was _for_  Evan, to do just that.

Most of all he’d wonder why Evan had known him by the sound of his voice, what possible connection could they have had?

Why didn’t he know? There was a gaping cavity where memories once were, that much he was aware.

 

Connor would keep his inquiries to himself, he wouldn’t risk another episode like that. He couldn’t stand to see the terror behind those eyes, especially knowing he’d caused every feeling of panic Evan had felt.

 

He’ll put his upmost effort into ensuring he’d never see that fear again, from then on he decided he’d protect this boy.

Hopefully some of his questions would be answered along the way.


	6. Mixed Emotions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter, sadly, all of my friends+me+my mother decided to be born in the same month, extremely close together and to when my six hour hair appointment was scheduled.  
> Good news is, my hair is a lot nicer looking.  
> Bad news, I’m extremely stressed and my birthday’s soon, I hate birthdays. If you wish me a happy birthday I will scream.  
> Anyway, enjoy the super short chapter, I’m going to immediately get to work on the next one.

Evan had to be going insane.

He’d heard of people seeing the face someone they lost in crowds.

Which Evan found to be at least partially true, every long haired male reminding him of his recently passed.. friend.

Connor is a friend, well, was.

 

He’d even heard of hearing the deceased’s voice in times of struggle.

 

However, he’d never imagined it’d feel so real. He could’ve sworn on his life he heard the sound of Connor’s voice whispering softly to him.

 

He’d felt a gasp of wind, despite the windows and doors being sealed shut, press against the side of his face in an attempt at a comforting touch.

 

Most perplexing of all, he’d seen, clear as day, himself from a second persons view.

He’d felt weightless, his thoughts faded to background noise, he watched himself from earlier this morning, stretching his arms and moving to change.

He’d seem himself from just moments ago, looking pathetic and weak, hands shaking, eyes full of worry, yet this opinion of himself was something he could barely be aware of, it was a distant thought.

 

All he could feel was a great warmth, spreading through him and enveloping his chest. He couldn’t pin the feeling, but it left him happy, as if the sun had come out in his brain. He was genuinely smiling, an expression he’d only attempted to replicate for his mothers benefit in recent weeks. He could hardly remember the last time he’d had this feeling.

 

Once it faded, he let a growing comfort take hold, sitting in silence until he felt hunger tugging at his gut.

 

Opening his eyes, he scanned the room, not exactly sure what he was looking for.

Whatever it was, he didn’t see it.

 

He sighed softly, hauling himself from the mattress with a grunt and staring at the spot next to where he’d been sitting. The spot he had seen himself from earlier.

 

He furrowed his eyebrows, narrowing his eyes slightly as if he would see someone staring back if he looked hard enough.

 

Which was ridiculous, of course, but despite the comfort he felt, he also had a vague sense of being unnerved. Whatever he was experiencing, it wasn’t normal. Of that, he could be sure.

 

He felt a gentle breeze drift passed him

“What the ever—loving fuck is going on.”

He muttered, it was as if someone was turning a fan on and off. He ran a hand through his hair, something he’d watched Connor do time and time again.

 

What he wouldn’t give to see him one last time. He didn’t even get to say goodbye.

 

Evan felt his eyes water, he didn’t need to start crying all over again.

He blinked a few times, a feeble attempt at stopping the impending tears.

 

_I guess that was why Connor had stopped by the house the night before, to say goodbye._

Evan had treated that day like any other, expecting to see Connor asleep on the couch in the morning, to head to school and go about his day. Maybe, if Evan had done something more, Connor would have changed his mind.

 

He pulled at the collar of his shirt, tugging it over his chin and wiping his eyes with the fabric.

 

Evan and his newly tear stained t-shirt left the room and headed downstairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, be sure to tell me what you think.


	7. Could’ve Gone Better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I tried to drink orange soda from a plate today, let’s just say, not my brightest idea.  
> Have fun reading.

Connor felt a little strange, hanging around in Evan’s kitchen.  
Without the boy by his side he couldn’t help but feel as if he were intruding.

Thinking back on his time in this household, it wasn’t as if he’d been given permission to be here.

Though there was something familiar about that feeling, the feeling of being an intruder in this house.  
He wasn’t sure how he felt about that.

He wondered if he’d ever been here without permission before he woke up in that field.  
If you could even call randomly appearing somewhere with only a vague sense of having forgotten something huge, “waking up”.

Connor pushed those thoughts aside, he’d deal with his past another day.  
Today he’d focus on Evan, of course he wanted to know more about the possible life he had before the field. Although, the part he was most curious to learn of, was that feeling, the one that tightened around his chest and made him feel as if he were floating, that is, more than he already was.  
He’d taken to calling it “The Warmth”, the name seemed to fit well.

One day he’ll sort out the thoughts that seemed to rush though his head with reckless abandon. For today, he’d work on getting through this night.

There was a distant creak in the floorboards that made up the staircase, he turned to see Evan, eyes red and puffy, moving slowly down the stairs.

He drifted toward the boy, wishing desperately to ask what could’ve possibly occurred to cause him pain in the few seconds he’d been left alone.

Baffled, Connor followed Evan in complete silence.

Evan dropped himself onto the couch in their living room, a small TV sat on a table away from them, Evan made no move to turn it on.

Connor sat down next to Evan, letting his head rest against the back of the couch, he stared up at the ceiling.

Evan pulled a phone from the pocket of his khakis, Connor glanced over to see the time 2:47 displayed on it’s screen.  
He wondered how late Evan had woken up.

Evan slipped the phone back into the pocket, staring forward blankly.  
He watched as Evan took in a deep breath of air, then another.  
“Connor?”  
he questioned into the seemingly empty room.  
“Are you, uh” Connor could hear the hesitation in Evan’s voice, he could see the doubt in his eyes.  
“Are you here?”

Connor felt a shock hit him, this was his chance, he could either commit to this, or leave Evan be, let him cry without intervening, let him live those sleepless night thinking he was alone.  
There was no questioning it any further.

“Yeah,” he spoke cautiously,  
“I’m here, Evan.”

Evans muscles visibly seized.  
“Oh, oh god, okay, so you’re here, but, okay.”  
Evan let out a shaky breath, forcing himself to unclench his fists.  
“So, you, you aren’t, you’re not alive, but, but you’re here.”

Connor wanted to help, the only problem was he had no idea how.  
“It’s okay, Evan, you’re okay.”

Evans fists balled in response.  
“NO.”  
He shouted, each breath ragged and choked, his eyes were watering, he sat straight upright.  
“No, it’s not okay, none of this, it isn’t, it can’t be, not when, no.”

Connor jumped back slightly, he remembered the way he’d transferred The Warmth, maybe he could share a more specific feeling of comfort.

“Don’t even think about doing that thing, I know it, I, it was you.”  
Evan breathed again,  
“You can’t just mess with my head like that.”

Well there’s that plan out the window.  
“I couldn’t just leave you like that.”

Evan stood, tears streamed from his eyes, he made no more to wipe them away as he looked around in desperation for a guilty party, which of course was nowhere to be found.  
“JUST, just, don’t talk, I can’t do this right now.”  
Evan stormed toward the stairs, no doubt heading to his room.

Connor sat on the couch in a stunned silence.  
That could’ve gone better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That seemed a little John Watson, Empty Hearse to me, if you know what I mean. Thanks for reading. Be sure to let me know what you think.


	8. Missing Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I drank green soda from a plate today and it went much better than it did last time, hope you enjoy your stay in reading-ville.

Connor was completely clueless.

How are you supposed to comfort people?

His last few attempts were a pretty conclusive display of his skills in this area.

 

He was currently hovering in Evan’s doorway, watching blankly as Evan sat motionless on the edge of his bed, back facing Connor.

He had his arms propped up on his knees, cradling his head in his hands.

 

The air felt stale, the only sound that broke through the stiffness was the occasional weak sob from Evan.

 

The minutes before Connor decided to intervene felt like hours.

 

He moved cautiously toward Evan, who looked up in response to the soft draft drifting near him.

Connor settled into a place next to him.

 

“I’m sorry,” he said, carefully as he could manage,

“I don’t really know what happened, but, I’m sorry.”

 

Evan wiped his eyes on the collar of his t-shirt, darkening the white fabric to a grey as it absorbed the tears.

“What?”

He questioned.

“You don’t remember?”

 

Connor shook his head, which of course Evan couldn’t see.

“No, I don’t think it was good though, I keep seeing different people, and they all look sad, like you do.”

 

Evan looked confused, he dried more tears as they fell.

“What do you mean?”

 

Connor sat in silence for a moment, wondering how he could possibly explain the past few days.

“I keep.. appearing around different people, I always feel like I’ve seen them before.”

He heard Evan take in a shaky breath, he continued.

“At first it was a boy.”

Connor explained.

“I don’t think, I’m starting to think, he might not be alive.”

Connor felt something heavy settle inside him.

“And I’m starting to think I had something to do with it.”

Evan let out a ragged breath,

”Then there was a woman, a girl, and a man, the man wasn’t sad though, he was angry.”

 

Evan’s face fell, shoulders tense and eyebrows tight with worry.

“Connor,”

It felt strange to say his name aloud.

“The boy, what was he.. what did he look like?”

 

Connor stared forward at the plants on the window sill.

“He was, pale, really pale, and he looked almost, hollow.”

Connor paused he could see the boy’s face in his memory, he looked sick.

“He wasn’t moving at all, not even to breathe. His eyes were blue with brown in them, and they looked so empty.”

Connor turned to study Evans face.

“Did I.. know him?”

 

Evan looked pale,

“Connor, I think, I think that was you.”

His breaths came faster,

“I think you saw yourself from, it would’ve been two weeks ago.”

 

Connor stood abruptly,

“But then that would mean I’m.. I died, I was a person?”

Connor stared into Evan’s eyes, searching for any hint of mockery,

“That isn’t possible, is it?”

 

Evan’s hands shook, 

“I.. don’t know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo, that was hard to write, I’m really socially awkward in real life so writing coherent dialogue is a workout, a brain workout. Anyway, hope you enjoyed, feel free to let me know what you think.


	9. Insanity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wooo, two chapters in.. well it’s not exactly night anymore, is it?  
> Idk about you but it’s like, four in the morning here.  
> Have fun reading! But, if it’s four in the morning for you, you should probably sleep.

It struck Evan that he was most likely talking to himself. To an outsider he would be a broken boy sitting alone in a room, having a conversation with someone who wasn’t actually there.

This fantasy, with Connor drifting by his side, hearing his voice, feeling those drafts float by, he could live in this fantasy and be content.

It was so easy to get lost in this mental projection, it all sounded so real. As Connor’s voice played in his head, he caught himself thinking it was actually happening.

There was no such thing as ghosts, once you died, you were dead.  
Maybe you went to some sort of Heaven, a paradise, a world of spirits, or maybe you were faced with a never-ending darkness.  
Whatever the case, ghosts do not exist, and if the ghost of his friend was really here, why would he not stay with his own family?

See, it didn’t make sense, therefore, Connor wasn’t really there, it was all some sort of hallucination. At first it scared Evan, he didn’t even want to think about the possibility that he could be drifting into insanity.  
Now, however, he had accepted it, he didn’t really have a problem with  
fake-Connor, as long as he didn’t send Evan on a murder spree, Evan could live with this.

As Connor described his memories, part of Evan wanted to protest, he couldn’t have possibly imagined all of this, he wasn’t that creative.  
That was only a feeble argument to justify why a ghost, of all things could be real. This could all actually be happening.

 _What about the dishes? The curtains?_ These were both examples of things in the real world that Connor had clearly affected.  
He scoffed inwardly, _If I can think up this whole scenario, who’s to say I can’t forget that I cleaned something, or failed to notice the open curtains?_

He had been so sure he hadn’t left those curtains open, and even more sure the dishes had been left dirty in the sink.

Reality was becoming harder and harder to grasp.

As he had told the boy, he really didn’t know what was possible anymore.

——

Okay, so this was starting to freak Connor out.

Evan had just told him he didn’t know what was happening, then completely clocked out.

He finished his sentence, and proceded to stare blankly through the wall for another five minutes, eyes completely glazed over.

Connor perched himself on the edge of the bed, waiting for what seemed like ages for Evan to come to.

“Hey? Ev? You’re starting to freak a guy out here.”

Evan’s whole body jerked, there was a moment of quiet.  
“You aren’t... real.”  
He spoke blankly.

Connor was completely bewildered.  
“What? A second ago we were talking and everything was fine, apart from the crying, and now I’m not real? What?”  
He spat quite insensitively.

Evan knitted his eyebrows together.  
“You’re not real, I’m just, you can’t be.”

Connor waved an arm in front of Evan’s face.  
“Uh, remember all the object moving I was doing before? I know you noticed. I’m really here.”

Evan felt the air move, but said nothing.

Connor looked around in desperation, trying to find a way to prove his existence.  
“Oh! here.”  
He said, triumphant.

He moved to where a box of tissues were tucked into a cardboard box on Evan’s bedside.  
Sweeping up a sheet, he manipulated it to float through the air in front of the boy.  
“Woooh,” He spun the sheet in front of Evan’s face.  
“look, ghost magic, moving things.”

Evan’s eyes narrowed slightly.  
“You sound like him, but you don’t really, I mean, you don’t really _sound_ like him.”

Connor would’ve rolled his eyes if he had that function, he twirled the sheet in the air.  
“Well I don’t exactly remember what he acted like, do I?”

Evan shrugged,  
“I guess that’s.. possible?”

Connor dropped the tissue.

 

  
“I have no idea anymore.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have fun sleeping!  
> Feel free to tell me what you think of this chapter in the comments.


	10. Who Was I?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was my attempt at writing something happy, whoops.  
> Have..fun. :)

A silence filled the room.

Connor wasn’t sure how Evan felt, but he couldn’t help but sense an awkward tension hanging between them.

 

A few agonizing moments of complete silence passed before Evan stood. He turned to leave the room, Connor following at his heels.

 

Connor recognized the look on the boy’s face as the expression he’d worn when he had blanked out before.

“Hey,”

He prodded,

“Don’t get stuck in your own head, we can make this work.”

 

Evan gave a small smile,

“Uh, yeah, thanks.”

 

They headed down to the kitchen.

Evan heated up some Thai food from their fridge in the microwave and sat himself down at the hardwood dining table.

 

Connor sat at the opposite end.

 

Some of the tension had leaked out of the air, but it still felt awkward.

 

“What does your mom do?”

he asked, genuinely curious.

 

“Uh she, I’m not really.. sure, well, she works at a hospital, somewhere.”

He sounded tense, at least Connor wasn’t alone in feeling a little out of place.

 

“Cool.”

Conor wished he could call on some sort of memory or story to maybe ease the tension in the room, but he knew very little of his past life. He had nothing to share.

 

“Is it just me or could you cut through this tension with a knife.”

 

Evan let out a breathy chuckle.

“Yeah,”

His smile faded.

“It’s just, I feel like I kind of.. know you? Or I _knew_ you, but you don’t know me.. or you.”

 

Connor nodded, which again was invisible to Evan.

“Yeah, it’s like were both meeting someone new, but it’s me.”

 

Evan hummed in agreement.

 

He shoved a heap of noodles into his face, spreading sauce around his mouth.

Connor laughed.

“What are you, two? Why couldn’t you just eat like a normal human?”

 

Evan flushed red from his ears to his chest and down below his shirt, he couldn’t help but wonder how far that blush fell.

 

Connor felt a swell of affection, laughing to himself, he stood to find a napkin.

There were some in the otherwise empty takeout bag Evan had placed on the kitchens countertop.

 

Connor swept a couple into the air and placed them in front of Evan, who had somehow managed to get more sauce on his chin, and had turned an even deeper shade of red.

 

Connor settled back into his seat.

“I’m starting to think you’re a huge dork.”

 

Evan grumbled in protest as he cleaned up his face.

 

The air felt lighter now, which was when Connor decided he needed to mess it all up.

 

“What was I like?”

he wondered aloud.

 

“What?”

 

“Before I was.. whatever I am now. What was I like?”

 

Evan tilted his head in thought, _adorable_.

“Well, you were.. I don’t want to say you were.. bad, or rude, but you weren’t nice to everyone.”

 

Connor chuckled.

“What about you, was I rude to you?”

He was staring to feel a little worried about what Evan might tell him.

 

Evan shrugged.

“A little, at first. But you were there when I needed.. help, even if you were completely silent most of the time.”

Evan seemed to lose himself in this description.

“Other times you were loud, a little paranoid. I think you were just scared something would happen, like, I would hurt you, or you would hurt me? I’m not really sure. But you really cared about me.”

 

Evan swallowed hard.

“Then, there was.. your family. You didn’t like them, I don’t think. At least, you didn’t like your dad.”

 

Connor nodded.

“My family? You mean, those people I saw?”

 

Evan nodded in response.

“Yeah, I think so.”

He paused.

“They treated you badly, I think, from what you told me.

Especially your dad, you called him by his first name—“

 

“Larry.”

Connor supplied, he remembered that name.

 

“Yeah.” Evan confirmed.

“But, Zoe, she was your sister.”

Evans eyes had begun to water as he spoke.

“She told me, you were bad, I think you did something to her. I went to your house once, only once, there were scratches and dents on her door, I think you put them there.”

 

“God.”

Connor muttered.

“I’m sorry, Ev, I’m really sorry.”

 

Evan sniffled and wiped his eyes.

 

“It’s okay, it wasn’t really, you, I mean, not _now_ you.”

 

They sat quietly while Evan ate.

 

“So,” Connor inquired, “This might be a bit of a sore subject, but,”

 

Evans face fell as the possibilities of a question he wasn’t exactly comfortable with answering set in.

 

“Do you know, I mean, what happened to me? Why am I.. not alive?”

 

Evan set down his wooden chopsticks.

“Connor, I’m not really sure you want to know.”

 

Which meant it was bad, bad enough for Evan to have nightmares, and bad enough that he thought the person asking the question wasn’t prepared for an answer. _He was probably right._

 

“..And to be honest with you, not that I would lie about that, but, I mean,”

He let out a long sigh.

“I don’t think I can make myself say it.”

 

All of a sudden Connor felt small.

“Oh.”

He muttered.

“Thats, okay, if you don’t think I should know, that’s okay.”

He assured him.

“I don’t want you to talk about it if you’ll feel.. uncomfortable..”

He examined Evan’s sickened look, the paleness of his face.

“..Or like you’re going to puke.”

 

Evan sighed in relief, picking up his sticks,

“Thanks, I just, maybe one day I’ll be able to talk about.. But, I’m sorry.”

 

Connor nodded in understanding.

“It’s okay, we’ll be okay.”

 

Evan smiled slightly.

 

“I hope so.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehe, thanks for reading, feel free to let me know what you think in the comments, see you soon. =)


	11. Content

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have fun reading this chapter, it’s a real fluffy.

When Evan’s mother would return to the house at around 11:30pm, Evan would already be asleep.

Connor had claimed the chair in the far corner of the room as his own, it was one of those classic black office chairs, the ones with wheels and rotating seats.

The faux leather was torn and stained, it’s seat was worn in, it was comfortable all the same.

The chair was tucked behind a small desk littered with drawings, in the darkness of the room they were hard to make out, from what he could see, there were a couple of human figures, cartoon people, and trees, plenty of trees.

Connor smirked at that, it fit to Evan’s branding perfectly.

He entertained himself with spinning on the seat, round and round. He probably would’ve gotten sick if he were an actual person.  
Perks of being dead, you can enjoy the wonders of a spinning chair without ever getting dizzy.

There was a distant sound of footsteps on the staircase outside the room. Connor stopped his little game and settled into complete silence.

The door to Evan’s room creaked open the smallest amount. Evan’s mother poked her head through to opening. Confirming that her son was peacefully at rest, she smiled softly and left, closing the door behind her.

Damn, parents are weird.

Connor span in circles until the repetitive motion bored him, he stood without purpose to find himself wandering aimlessly around Evan’s room.

The room was incredibly neat for someone his age.   
Connor could imagine the kid Evan had described wouldn’t have been so careful.

The walls were painted a pale shade of blue, they were relatively barren aside from a few scattered glow in the dark stars. They trailed upwards in seemingly random positions. It was then he noticed the ceiling, how it slipped past him before he would never be sure. The array of made up constellations that lit up the otherwise dark room were nothing short of beautiful.

Connor now lay flat on the floor, limbs spread in a starfish position, gawking at the lights above his head.

Which is precisely when Evan let out a sharp howl. Connor shot upright, an easy enough maneuver for a ghost. He rushed to Evans side, not exactly sure how to react.  
“Evan.” He muttered urgently,  
“Ev, it’s okay, you’re safe, you’re home, you’ll be alright.”  
He spoke quickly, forcing the panic to settle in his stomach as opposed to letting it croak its way through his throat.

Evan stirred   
“Connor, please!”  
He shouted, words slurring together,  
“Please! No! You can’t, please.” Evan called into the darkness, whimpering “Don’t leave me.”

Connor focused, as hard as he could with Evans distressed yelling.  
He pictured Evans face, laughing, he wondered what that would sound like. Connor felt he’d think it was adorable even if he let out the worst sound he’d heard. No, Evan couldn’t possibly be anything Connor thought was bad, he was too.. amazing.

He imagined how Evan would look while drawing one of the sketches  
he’d seen spread over his desk. Soft lips pursed, face bent in concentration. Breathtaking.

Connor pictured the awkward smile on Evans face when he had somehow managed to cover it in food, a childlike blush spreading under his skin.

He had been told not to meddle in Evans emotions, but how could he not when Evan looked so devastated.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, forcing the feeling outward as he had the last time. Regret fell in it’s place.

Evan gasped, eyes screwing shut as his arms faltered in their fits.

The room fell into a silence. Moments dragged by, when finally, Evans eyes fluttered open.

“Connor?” He questioned.

Connor didn’t know what to say.  
“You’re awake.” He stated dumbly, cursing himself for stating what was obvious.

“You, did you? I mean,  
I’m not saying I’d assume.”

“Yeah, I did. I’m sorry Evan, I didn’t want to leave you there, I just, I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.” Evan assured him quickly.  
“I, I mean, I like it when you.. do that.”

Connor pushed his eyebrows together.  
“You said to leave you alone, I shouldn’t have done that without telling you, it’s not fine.”

Evan shrugged.  
“I know normally it would be bad, l, but I, don’t really mind. You weren’t hurting me. It felt.. nice. I just, that doesn’t mean don’t listen when I say no, just, this time it was good.”  
Evan visibly cringed “Sorry.”

“No,” Connor argued carefully.  
“It’s fine, thanks for not hating me.”

“I could never hate you.” Evan doesn’t say. That’s probably an unhealthy way of thinking.  
“I miss you.” He keeps to himself.

“Thank you, for helping me, even if it wasn’t what I wanted.”

The night was quiet, Connor couldn’t help but feel a wave of shame. Evan fell into a content sleep with a newfound appreciation for himself and his friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed, feel free to let me know what you think in the comments.


	12. A Promise is a Promise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for being so patient with my random breaks in schedule.  
> I really appreciate it, I hope you guys enjoy the story!

Evan felt surprisingly well rested when he woke that morning.  
Which he found perplexing at first thought, before memories of the night before returned to his sleep hazed mind.

Connor had given him something to like about himself.

And oh, how long he had gone without something like that.

He rose from his mattress, pushing the heavy covers aside. 

“Hey Connor.” He yawned.

“Morning, Ev.” His friends voice greeted.  
“Rough night?”

Evan let out a low chuckle, voice still husky from sleep.  
“As ever.”

 

He made his way to the bathroom, not bothering with getting dressed. 

He stared back at his reflection in the mirror, running his fingertips down the side of his face.  
The skin was soft and unblemished, he’d never really taken the time to appreciate that about himself. He’d never had to deal with the pain of acne others so often complained of.

His eyes were a stormy blue, hints of grey and a small amount of yellow around the pupil. He smiled to himself, a feeling of stability spread beneath his skin.

He heard a soft laugh break through the air.  
“Enjoying the view?” Connor asked playfully.

Evan felt his skin heat up from his cheeks to his shoulders and down his chest.  
“Thanks,” he muttered softly.  
He still wasn’t used to this Connor. He seemed so much happier, more free, if that makes sense. The Connor he was used to was closed off, agitated, confused and, from what Zoe hinted to, abusive.

He swallowed the tight lump in his throat.

“For what you did, it helped a lot.”

Connor was a mess. His Depression and possible Bipolar Disorder were no excuse for his actions against the people who wanted to care about him. He was completely at fault. Evan should’ve been scared.  
However, he couldn’t find it in himself to fear this new Connor. He supposed you couldn’t really have a mental illness if you didn’t have a brain.

 

Or if you’re a mental projection.  
He pressed his eyes shut.

It was probably easier if Connor didn’t know how he died. Everything could be simpler if Connor stayed oblivious.

Evan sighed.

“Ev? You okay?” Connor asked, tone laced with a concern he’d never really heard in him before.

“Yeah, it’s alright, just, hard to believe you’re actually here.”

Connor made an airy snort-like sound.  
“Pretty difficult for me, too.” 

Evan gave a weak smile,  
He fanned the air wildly as if to blow Connor away, gesturing for his privacy. His smile fell as he came to the realization that Connor might be offended by the action, being forced from Evans space, the reminder the he’s technically not a person anymore and to Evan he was simply a disembodied voice, flowing with the air. Panic pricked at his nerves. Only to melt away at the sound of Connors laughter retreating toward Evans room.

Smiling easily, he showered, swallowed his anxiety medication, brushed his teeth, and dressed himself. Half of him wanted his teeth to rot, it’s the least he deserved for letting his only real friend go, but the thought of being surrounded with people wearing looks of repulsion spurred him on, despite the conviction that he deserved their disgust as well.

He closed his eyes in front of the mirror, leaning his palms onto the surface of the vanity. He forcefully pressed his eyelids together until he heard ringing in his ears, a dull throb echoed in his head. Soon he lost sight of his train of thought. 

He widened his eyes, stretching the muscles before leaving the room and heading towards his bedroom. He tapped the door lightly, it swung open with a jolt, the only sign of Connor’s presence being the soft brush of wind. Evans heart skipped a beat before settling, he continued as if nothing happened, he couldn’t have Connor feeling unwelcome. For some reason..

He turned toward the staircase, heading down to find something to entertain himself with.  
He felt a familiar draft brush his side as Connor followed his steps.

Once in Evans living room, he and Connor rested on the soft couch.

 

———

 

Connor watched as Evan’s eyes glazed over, staring blankly into the wall.  
An occurrence that was becoming frequent.  
He was just on the verge of saying something to bring his.. friend/haunting victim back to the present when Evan shivered. 

“Do you think,” he spoke cautiously, as if afraid his words would frighten Connor.  
“Maybe, you could, be visible? Somehow?”

Evan eyes filled with worry,  
“I mean, you don’t have to, I’m not trying to tell you to, or that you should, I just mean, do you think it’s possible?”

Connor felt that warmth in his chest tighten, along with a tug of guilt. He hated how scared Evan looked just talking to him.  
“Maybe.”  
He said casually, in hopes of calming Evan’s nerves.  
“If I found out exactly what I looked like before, I’d probably remember it somehow;  
When I first.. appeared?”  
He honestly wasn’t sure what to call it.  
“I was like, nothing, I didn’t really have thoughts. I was just a undistinguished piece of the air, if that makes any sense. After I had more time, I sort of.. came together.. ya know?”

Evan let out a rush of air through his nose.

“Yeah, I know you don’t really get what this is like, but I’m just a bunch of air, at least, that’s what it feels like. I don’t really know what I am now.”

Evans face was unreadable.

“But, if I could, I wouldn’t appear until you were really ready for that, would that be okay?”

Evan let out a relieved sigh.  
“Thank you.”  
Connor studied that broken expression,  
“Thanks for being here.”

“It’s no problem, I like being here.”  
He spoke honestly,  
“You know that, right?”

Evan gave a small smile.  
“Yeah, but anyway, thanks.”

“I won’t leave you, Evan, not unless you want me to”   
“Please.. don’t.. I can’t do that again.”

“Yeah, okay, I promise, Evan, I won’t leave.”

He smiled sadly.

“Thank you.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, and feel free to tell me what you think in the comments, bye!


	13. Learning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wooo, I’m back.  
> It’s been a while.
> 
> Boot camp sucked.
> 
> I started writing this chapter, then got a virus, I had loads of blood work done and it sucked. Then it came back?? So I was an infected mess for twenty days.  
> Then school started and I was not prepared for all this lemme tell you.
> 
> I’m only a child so high school?? Damn.
> 
> I decided to audition for two extra credit programs which hurts my brain. Plus I have hella anxiety and they’re both performing arts programs.
> 
> I joined the schools GSA thing and that takes up my lunches.  
> So basically I do school all the time now.
> 
> I don’t have any friends and my mom started Heidi Hansen-ing me.  
> “Maybe today you can make a friend!!!!”  
> Aaaaaaaanothankspeoplearestressful
> 
> Anyway enjoy this chapter, I’ll write whenever I can as always.

“You kinda have to.”

“It’s fine, I don’t need, I’ll be fine, I can just, it’s fine.”

“C’mon Ev, you can’t starve yourself, if there’s nothing leftover you have to order in.”

“I’m sorry, I’m, I can’t.” Evans breathing quickened, shoulders unconsciously hunching in on himself.

Connor moved in closer to Evan,  
“It’s cool, we’re okay, deep breaths, in and out,” he smiled in encouragement, which he had to remind himself Evan couldn’t see, “that’s it, you got it, breathe.”

Evan sighed to himself.

“Hey, we can do this together, go in there with a plan.”

Evan turned his head to the ground, digging his fingertips into his arms.  
He was quiet, but nodded slowly.

“Okay, let’s sit down, deep breaths,”  
Connor encouraged, he’d been learning ways of catering towards Evans anxieties. He caught on quickly to the fact that Evan required multiple reminders to breathe sometimes.

He and Evan settled into the couch, it had been a few days since they’d last sat there.

“Okay just focus on me, you got it.”

“I’m sorry, I, again, I keep making you do this, and, it’s not, you shouldn’t, I mean,”  
He winced.  
“Sorry.”

“It’s cool, I don’t mind, really.”

Evan opened his mouth before clamping it shut.

“What about it makes you nervous?”  
He asked. Connor decided on a new method of finding the root of the problem this time. Before he’d just mumble reasons why everything was okay and hope for the best, it hadn’t always worked out for him.

Today was Sunday, Evans mom had a break tomorrow, the day after would be Evans first day of school.

Maybe he’s just stressed about school?

When Evans mom was away, she usually made sure there was enough food for him, however today was alike a few others where the leftovers had run out, and Evan would have to order takeout.

Needless to say, being a customer wasn’t Evans strength.

“It’s just, I don’t want to take long, uh, because they’re busy and, and I talk to much, I know, but, it’s their job to, listen, take the order? That sounds weird, but it’s, they’re just hearing my voice, I don’t want to be, and it could be anyone, and I sound.. pathetic, and stutter-y and I know people find it annoying, I find it annoying—“

Connor forced the wave of an overwhelming feeling that slapped him in the face like a pressure hose to the back of his head, he could deal with that later.

“Okay, Okay, I’ll stop you right there.”  
Connor spoke, an attempt to regain his ground. It seemed this outburst of emotion was considerably tough to handle.

“Let’s slow down, it’s cool, it’s not a big deal, no one thinks you’re pathetic.”

Evan shook his head.

“Not me, not your mom, and no one that matters.”

Evans eyes widened ,  
“I didn’t mean, I’m sorry, sorry, I wasn’t saying you would think.. you might—but I don’t mean you’re a bad person, I mean, sorry.”

Connor sighed sort of defeatedly.  
“Breathe Evan, I’m not mad, I won’t be mad.”

Evan looked terrible, his eyes were panicked and red, underlined with dark circles. His hair was matted and greasy, every muscle was tense and aching.

“Hey just, in and out, you’ve got it, I’m not going anywhere.”

Surprisingly enough, Evan complied, and quite unsurprisingly, Evan found a new phrase to chant. He’d gone from apologizing to:  
“I’m fine, it’s fine, I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine..”

“Evan, hey, listen to my voice, my breaths, just, listen.”

Evan looked up from his lap where he had begun yanking at a string by the seam of his shirt, wrapping and unwrapping it from around his fingers.

“You aren’t okay,” he paused, carefully “and that’s okay, I’ll help you, we’ll figure out what to do, and I’ll help you get through it, that way it’ll be easier next time. But for now we can just breathe.”

Evans breaths came out in shivering chokes of air.

“Okay,”

He spoke after a period of silence and sniffing.

Connor, who’d been keeping a close eye for any changes immediately felt relief break over him.

“C’mon Ev, I’ll help you,”

After a pause, he continued.

“I’m here to help you.”

The sentence felt right, a welcome change after being clueless to how he was supposed to act for so long.  
He was prepared to stay by Evans side for as long as he could, doing exactly as he had.

———

There was an unbelievably heavy lump in Evans throat.

The realization of how helpless he was to exist on his own was one he had difficulty swallowing, apparently.

Even despite the fact it had been repeated in his head for years. It had never felt this real before. 

Now, with Connor by his side constantly, knowing no action goes unseen..

Evan had spent countless days on an empty stomach, it had become a habit of his.

He’d spent days in this exact situation, but this day, with Connor, he could see each of those days for what they were: Evan proving once again that he’s completely hopeless without someone watching his every move.

Connor guided Evan through the phone call. They decided on a plain pizza. Connor told him it was because of cost, but Evan got the feeling it had more to do with how easy it would be to order.

_Because Evan is that weak._ __**__** ____

He felt that cool breeze he’d come to think of as reassuring.

“C’mon, Ev, let’s watch a movie”

Connor wouldn’t leave him, he was sure, well, not completely. There was still a chance Connor would decide Evan wasn’t worth the effort, but, for now, for today, he could be happy like this.

Watching Disney movies until Evan couldn’t keep his eyes open. 

Connor watching as Evan relaxed, calm and content. Stress seemingly faded to background noise, matted hair falling in every direction. 

If he could go on like this for forever, he would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, see you for the next chapter.  
> Edit: Wow, this chapter fucking sucked, ugh,   
> to be fair I hadn’t gotten more than three hours of sleep for the past six days, but damn, was it awful. I can’t believe none of you had the heart to be like “my eyes are bleeding.”   
> I fixed the problem spots, cuz ew, that was bad.


End file.
